“How many times have people used a pen or paintbrush because they couldn’t pull the trigger?” – Virginia Woolf
Today, I’m using the pen in order not to pull the trigger, at least, the verbal trigger on my husband. We’ve talked for a while now about getting a second dog. When we married, I had one, and so Romeo and I were a package deal. After he passed away, I wasn’t ready for another. I have been for more than a year now. But I knew between work, school, and everything else, we really didn’t have the time/energy/money. Things are different, and this past fall, I brought up the idea again and told my husband to seriously contemplate it: I was beyond ready.
I brought it up this weekend, and he said, “you know I don’t want one.”
Me: (out loud) “…” (internally) *fuming* “so, no baby, no doctoral program, everything in my life is about somebody else, but no dog because YOU don’t want one. I can’t even form the words for you right now.”
We were driving. I just turned and looked out the window saying nothing.
Tonight, I brought it up again. We were relaxed, chatting, browsing the internet (him), playing on face.book (me). He wanted to pull up the budget to be sure we could afford it. No problem. He goes over a few costs, says if we get a small one that would work well for its food budget. Okay, cool. And then:
Him: “Are you going to take care of it?”
And my heart sank. I got hot and angry and sad all at once. I threw back the covers, picked up my cereal bowl, and started walking out of the room.
Him: “Are you going to answer my question? Are you mad?”
Me: “I’m not going to answer that.”
On first review, maybe to someone outside our marriage, this might seem like a fair question on his part. He doesn’t want a dog, so he doesn’t want to be responsible for it.
What pisses me off and saddens me is that on EVERY occasion that I’ve asked for a second dog, I’ve talked about what I’ll do for the dog and the fact, recently, that me not being in a PhD program means I’ll have time to care for one.
So, do you not want a dog, or do you not think I’ll hold up my end of the bargain?
When we went into marriage counseling this summer/fall, once of his complaints was that he felt he had to shoulder so much of the responsibility at home. He was right: I got my MA at the expense of my family, and my husband certainly took on most of the care for our home and son. But that hasn’t been the case lately. And the times when I’ve recently been insecure and asked him if things have changed, he’s always, ALWAYS, answered yes.
So why the fuck are you asking me that bullshit now?
Am I just angry irrationally? Am I projecting and taking my own insecurities out on him? Or is he a gigantic ass?
Most days, I feel like an average mom and a sucky wife. This just confirms it.