Letting go OR Impossible ideals

Today, we had a mini argument. It wasn’t even an argument really. It was just an overflow of verbiage from me, because he wasn’t doing something quick enough, fast enough, alert enough, pay attention enough.

DIdn’t you hear me ask you to get his tablet?!

I did, and I was looking around for it, but I didn’t see it.

I want him to be smoother than the average man. I want him to immediately get it [fill in the blank for whatever it happens to be at that moment] like the men in the novels I read.

Isnt that ridiculous? My husband is loving, patient, and puts his heart into being a daddy and hubby. What is this impossible ideal, unrealistic standard I keep holding him to? And why do I keep doing it when that only makes me frustrated, snappish, and disgruntled, feeling as if I’ve missed out on something?

What is this selfish love I am so quick to offer – one that focuses on how I want things to be instead of appreciating what I have and considering how to be good to him? Now, I am not advocating settling. In no way should we not love our dreams. But my dreams aren’t realistic. Rather, they’re not my reality.

The smooth talker? I’ve had him. He cheated on his girlfriend with me, had two afford with two different women once he got married, then came sniffing around my way. Yes, o could have her life. But it would be with a man I couldn’t trust to never betray me. The grass isn’t greener, and this man who sometimes doesn’t get it as soon as I’d like is the one who puts up with my crazy, who knew which purse to tell my friend to give me for Christmas, and used his bi-annual bonus check to pay for my Master’s.

Are there ways we can improve our relationship, communication? Absolutely. Should that needed improvement prompt me to wish for what is not mine, a quality I wish he had, instead of appreciating all the wonderfulness he, in fact, possesses? No. Not for a minute.

This is my reality. And I am grateful for it.


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