Today is one of those days when I’m struggling with yesterday’s decisions. And even though I know this is what’s best for my family, it feels like I’m letting down me.
About two weeks ago, my world imploded. Well, maybe three weeks ago. I just hadn’t realized the ensuing fallout at the time. Driving home from a follow-up postLASIK appointment, (damn, I need to go put some drops in…) I turned to Hubs and spoke the words that, unbeknownst to me, were about to change our lives forever (and looking back, we can say in a good way, but in a way that’s sometimes difficult to tell, and I will tell the story in a minute, I swear…) Anyway, I turned and said, “What if we postpone the PhD and have a second baby?” Hubs turned, shot me a look, and said, (almost laughing) “You never make anything easy, Gia.”
We agreed to individually think and pray about it. A few days later, I asked him if he’d made a decision. While I didn’t want to pester him, I did need to know something fairly soon, since I had grad school apps just waiting to be completed. He, understanding that, had planned to let me know by the end of the week.
Wednesday night, I couldn’t take it anymore. I will always wonder if my lack of patience played a role. Like, maybe, if I had waited for the actual end of the week, the answer would have been different? So you can probably guess how the conversation went.
He said no.
I went straight to bed.
It was about 8:30 pm. Kidlet had already gone to bed, and I was already pretty worn out, so it seemed the best solution. I resurfaced about 10, saw I had a text from Mia, rolled over, and went back to sleep. Not sure what time Hubs came in the room.
The next morning, I had nothing to say. Until I realized I hadn’t asked why.
Essentially, he said he was tired behind the first kid. OK, but look at how I’ll lay out my schedule. I’ll be home in the evenings, and you’ll have me on the weekends. I’ll be here to help. All necessary words, because, really, I got my MA at the expense of my family. Hubs was such the single parent during that time while I floated in and out when I didn’t have an immediately due seminar paper, reading, or studying to do. (read: not often). So all these words I was saying to him can’t battle the 3 years of what life with a kid looked like according to him. Then he said after praying about it, he didn’t feel that was the direction God was leading our family. Well, shoot, who can argue with that?! I don’t know how, nor do I want to attempt.
So, I went to work, determined to compartmentalize. I did alright. Then I went to Nichi’s room. Her kids happened to be at one of their specials classes, so I had her to myself. I promptly proceeded to cry all over the place.
To be continued – because Kidlet is asking for me, and I’m far too guilty to take this time for myself. I can write while he’s napping, right?