life is one big “eh”

So, things are pretty blah these days. I quit my job a couple of weeks ago. My boss was being a terror: daily confrontations, rude emails or comments, me in the car crying during lunch breaks, etc. Enough of that.

I’ve been home for the past two weeks. I had a great first interview with a company but haven’t heard back. I do know that the department head travels alot. She outlined her schedule for this month and it is pretty hectic. I called the HR rep last week and didn’t hear back. Husband thinks I should call the actual dept head. I probably will on Monday.

I desperately need two things. And one is a direct result of the other. After a lack of sexy times for a month and a half, (due to health and then just shockingly not being in the mood: I blame it on medicine I am no longer taking) I am now, apparently, incapable of an orgasm. As in we tried several positions and…nothing. Do you know how disgusted-frustrated-pissed-pick an angry word and insert here- I am??? I can’t help throwing the side eye to Mr, either. Not the greatest day in our household.

I love my husband. I really do. But so much about our life has not turned out the way I like it. I don’t know. Do you have to pay your dues in a marriage just like when you graduate from college and you first start working? You know, you don’t get the plum job right off, in fact your wages kind of suck, and you start off definitely regarded as less than. And no, I’m not saying my husband makes me feel less than. But. But I hate the small, old, sometimes dingy house where we live. I hate the neighborhood: the oldness of it and the stray dogs and cats and people throwing trash out the car window and somebody leaving a computer monitor in the gutter. I hate how persistent we have to be with the Frontline because fleas are all over the stray animals. I hate how I bang my elbow on the windowsill in the shower 3 out of 5 times. I hate that I feel crowded and that despite the pretty paint colors and nice furniture, I have no desire to live in my own home. I hate that I don’t have a job and can’t seem to acquire one. I hate that I feel closed in, bottled up in general.

I hate that my husband kisses me and there’s no thrill.

I don’t know what to do.


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