here i go again

See, this is what happens. Life. Stuff. All kinds of it. Before I know it, I look up and “BAM” time has zoomed by and my journal is more like a book with missing pages. I’m going to try and give a recap of what’s happened since I was last “here.” Let’s see, thyroid confirmation, graduate program devastation, realizing that my plans are not necessarily God’s plans, getting back in the saddle of life, trying to figure out if I’m going to keep this job that’s stressing me out ridiculously (I loathe the words “sales culture”), going to small-town ‘Ouisiana for a happy occasion that ended up reminding us just how blessed we are every day we’re still breathing, coming back and wishing I could sanitize the bottoms of my flip-flops because of possibly the pissiest bathroom this side of the state line to now when I, once again, should be in bed, but am waaaaaaaay to0 wound up to sleep.

Do you see? Do you see how that’s not just one long run-on sentence? Dude, that’s my life. Big things, major things in tiny little five day spaces, and I have to go back over all that. I just lived all that, now I have to write about it?

And then I remember, oh yea, didn’t you say your discipline as a writer sucked and this was one way to improve it?

Enough of my inner monologue. Here’s how it went down. [This may take place over several posts.]

Monday night I couldn’t sleep for crap. None of that classic tossing and turning. Nope, I just found myself wide awake, like 9:30 am awake. Only it was 3am. I had gotten up for that mid-night bathroom visit and was sleepy enough to believe, foolishly, that I’d be able to go back to sleep. (Insomnia and I are getting to be too good of friends; I have to pray and hope that I can go back to sleep whenever I wake up long enough to go the bathroom in the middle of the night.) So, I’m in bed, wanting to go back to sleep and finally accepting it’s not gonna happen in the next little while. Again, I’m no stranger to insomnia. Really, most of the time when it happens, there’s something going on in my life and God will wake me up for some quiet time. I understand it: I don’t always study when I’m wide awake and it’s during those normally sleep-filled hours that you feel closer to Him. Think about it: when the rest of the world is sleeping, and you’re not, it’s just you. No distractions, no tasks, just you. And Him. So….I laid there wondering if this was one of those times and I needed to break open my Bible. “But there’s nothing going on. Well, nothing pressing. I’m not worrying about anything…Let’s try some tv. I’d read but that’d require way too much brain power for right now when I have to get up so soon (6 am). I’ll just watch tv and then fall gently back asleep. Yes, this is a great plan.”

[Damn, I did just say enough of the inner monologue.]

So, I turned on the tv and hunted for something I could fall asleep to. All the movies were almost over or nothing I was interested in listening to, even briefly. None of the sitcoms were on that I liked. And I can’t completely remember, but there was something coming on after a show I did like but for some reason it was going to scare me?? I don’t know. 3 am logic is vastly different from normal awake-time logic.

So I flipped to the Nick-at-Nite stations. (Why are there two of these? I mean, I think it’s cool and all to have so much programming, but seriously, two of one?) Nothing was on but George Lopez. I didn’t want to watch but figured I might as well. It was on. Nothing about it was going to scare me. And since I didn’t particularly like the show, nor did it annoy me, I could listen as I tried to fall back asleep. Sounds like a good plan, right? Only it got good. Seriously. It’s like my new favorite old show. I’m going to Netflix it. As soon as I finish watching the 68 episodes currently leaving me with 2 hours and 12 minutes of DVR space. (And the Nora Roberts movies. Thanks Lifetime.)

So, that’s how I found myself wide awake, to semi-awake, to so sleepy but this is so funny, to damn I’m going to hate myself in the morning, to zzzzzzzzz, to BEEPBEEPBEEP.

I was not happy with myself. Much like I’d predicted. When you’re tired, every little occurrence becomes a crisis. This has been my story lately. I’m always tired. I mean always. Well, that’s an exaggeration. I do have about 1 hour of energy doled out in 10 minute spurts throughout my day. Ok, that’s an exaggeration too. But it’s pretty close. My point is, I was not in the calmest or most alert state of mind when I left my house Tuesday morning. On my way to the doctor. To find out why I’m so tired. Ready to know something since this constant lethargy is driving me nutso. Quickly. Very, very quickly.

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2 thoughts on “here i go again

    1. Girl, I’m saying! The Game is on my “To Netflix” list. The first time I saw it, I was like “why didn’t somebody tell me about this goodness??” TV is my third crack. Next to reading and shoes. Wait, that whole “third crack” line didn’t sound quite right…

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